Scottsdale Families: What to Do When Elderly Parents Refuse Help

Throughout the year, there may come a time when events cause a family to wonder if an older relative should have help to keep themselves safe at home. Perhaps a routine visit to the home revealed that they have been living in cluttered or unsanitary conditions, or maybe her personal hygiene seems to have fallen by the wayside. Or maybe you’ve noticed their forgetfulness is causing worry, maybe the stove is left on all night, or the front door is wide open. Or maybe they’ve already suffered a falling incident or had a medical emergency due to medication mismanagement.

Scenarios such as these, and countless others, plague millions of families every year in the United States. And because many of the changes due to aging are gradual, it can sometimes seem as though an emergency has suddenly appeared out of nowhere. And many times, because of this, an adult child will step in to help. This can, at first, be a workable and beneficial arrangement, but as time goes on and needs increase, many people find it difficult to balance the demands of caregiving with the demands of their own lives. And oftentimes there are no family members nearby enough to be involved as caregivers on a regular basis. One solution to this is to bring in help in the form of an in-home caregiver, but there is always the possibility that the elderly parent refuses help. And in that case, what then?

If this sounds like your family to you, perhaps it’s time to press the conversation about care support more firmly. Most older adults naturally want to stay in their own homes, and having a professional in-home caregiver can be a good solution for them to do so. A professional caregiver can provide so many necessary things like assistance with homemaking, maintaining hygiene, companionship, transportation, meals, and ensuring proper adherence to medication schedules.

It is most likely that you, or another family member, has been providing care on an informal basis. When this is the norm, it is natural for your loved one to resist any possibility of change, as the fear of the unknown can be quite powerful. But a good entry to the conversation is to talk with them about the effect that the growing task of caring for them is having on you. Most parents will naturally want what is best for their children, and simply conveying to them the way that the situation is affecting your life may motivate them to accept help from a professional.

Another obstacle is your parents may find it emotionally distressing to accept that their health challenges are limiting them in keeping up with the household tasks. Many of the things we took for granted, such as showering, getting around, and keeping the house in order become a source of stress once they can no longer be accomplished independently. By framing the caregiver as an assistant, rather than a babysitter, you might encourage them to think about it differently and accept the help.