Episode Transcript:
David Chandler:
Well, hello everyone. Welcome to our next episode of LIFE Conversations. I'm joined by Christina Chartrand. Christina, very excited to be recording another episode.
Christina Chartrand:
I know, it's been a while too, so very excited.
David Chandler:
It has, it's been a million. Yeah. What's going on over on your side of the world, over on the East Coast—anything happening?
Christina Chartrand:
Well, we're having fabulous weather and it's spring break right now. So everybody's in Sarasota. It's vacation time. Lots of traffic, but the weather's great. And it's fun to see all the people that are from different parts of the country come and visit Sarasota, Florida. So it's been good. How about you?
David Chandler:
We're actually having... yeah, it's been... over here in Houston. Now we are rooting for the U of H Cougars tonight. We'll see—whenever this episode airs—they will either be champions or, you know, nobody remembers number two.
Christina Chartrand:
Oh yes, that's true. Yes. I think I'm not understanding why March Madness goes into April anymore. It's become such a thing. I'm almost ready for it to be done. I'm actually Florida, so I'm rooting—yeah, Go Gators!
David Chandler:
Yeah, that's true. You're right. Yeah, we'll see. So we're going against each other tonight. And it's been unseasonably cool over here in Houston. It was in the forties last night. So, yeah. Well, very excited for our episode today. We're going to be talking about—and this is interesting—we’ve started going back to the questions that our listeners have been asking and also looking at some of the most searched terms when it comes to caring for aging loved ones. Our episode today is going to be focusing on caregiver sibling resentment and how to manage family tensions while caring for a parent.
Christina Chartrand:
Hmm. Yeah. Breathing good. Beautiful.
David Chandler:
Caring for an aging parent can either bring families together or it can drive them apart. And so I actually find myself a little bit on the precipice of this now. My parents—well, I don’t know how they'd feel hearing me say this—but they're aging. I'm over here in Houston, and my parents live in Maryland. My sister’s wife, one, actually lives with my parents. And the other one lives about 30 minutes away in Pennsylvania. So I am coming into this season in life. But Christina, you are currently really deeply involved in caring for your mom. So I'm excited to hear you share what it's been like and how it's influenced your family dynamics. If you want to just kind of kick us off today and share what that’s been like for you. I’m excited to share this episode with our listeners.
Christina Chartrand:
Well, I'm excited to talk about it just because I feel like I've been talking about it for a long time—not just within my own family, but with friends, colleagues, and others in need of support. Sibling dynamics is definitely a real thing when caring for your parents. I will have to say for me—I could be lucky in a way—I am the only person that is caring for my mom. And I’ve thought about it at times. I wish I had the help, which I do. I wish I had some extra support and help. But at the same time, I'm able to make decisions myself and not have to run them by another person. That sometimes can make a difference—obviously I run things by my mom—but not by a sibling.
I’ve been with Senior Helpers for almost 19 years, and sibling dynamics is a real thing. What I find is when siblings get together, especially in front of their parents and especially during a stressful time, everyone suddenly reverts back to being five years old. They all start acting the same way they did growing up—blaming each other, pointing fingers. Mom or Dad ends up yelling at them to stop fighting. It becomes this whole scene and you're like, “What in the world?” That is very true. So to all of our listeners out there, I want you to think back to a stressful time with your family members and how you were acting. It’s a real thing.
This is an important topic because the big picture is that everyone really needs to be on the same page.
David Chandler:
Yeah, and it's really... I share my perspective because I’ve seen this as well. This is something we work through with families all the time, but it's different coming up on it yourself. It's different looking into the future and being like, okay, this is coming. You mentioned open communication—so what’s a good way to start that first conversation with siblings, maybe even the ones who aren't stepping up? How do you handle that situation?
Christina Chartrand:
Well, first of all, it's always the ginormous elephant in the room. Nobody wants to talk about it because talking about it means your parents are aging. And then what are we supposed to do? We have to navigate the healthcare system, their home, their day-to-day life—all of those things. So what do you do?
One of the things I really encourage people to do is set up a meeting. It could be a virtual meeting, and this is without your parents. Set up a meeting and talk about how you're feeling, because everyone's going to have a different perspective. Typically, a lot of daughters end up stepping up to support their parents. It doesn’t mean sons don’t care—it just often falls that way.
But we all have to agree on what’s best—or at least be on the same page. One of the best things to do is find out: What does Mom or Dad want? Because forcing them, for example, to leave their house and move to a senior community may not be what they want. So we have to ask what they want and then agree to help make that happen. A lot of disagreements happen right there.
David Chandler:
Absolutely. I love that suggestion. One of the interesting things for me is being a three-hour flight or 20-hour drive away from my family. I feel kind of helpless. And it’s the same thing that's going to play out in my family—my sisters are right there, and you’re going to have adult daughters as primary caregivers. So scheduling that meeting with my sisters and saying, “Hey, I want to support—how can I support, even from this far away? What do you need? What can I provide? What are your expectations?” I don’t want them saying, “David lives 20 hours away and doesn’t do anything,” and then feeling that guilt, potentially driving a wedge between us.
Christina Chartrand:
Exactly. And the thing is, especially in the day-to-day, when your sisters are really supporting your parents—when you come in once every six months, it’s like you’re arriving on a white horse: “Hi! Hello everyone!” And they're like, “Really?” You take Mom to dinner, then you leave, and they’re back to where they were before.
So yes, you still want to go in, but you’ve got to go in with their rules and understand what they've done, versus going in and trying to make big changes. It's not easy, but even asking, “What do you need from me?” is huge. Maybe it's a phone call. Maybe they need financial support. Maybe they have a vacation coming up and you can fly in and help out. What can you do to make this better?
And it’s not just about where they're living. It's also: How are they getting groceries? How are they getting out of the house? Who’s taking them to doctor’s appointments? Do we even have access to talk to the doctors? If there’s a hospitalization and no access, you’re stuck. That’s a tough place to be when trying to navigate the healthcare system.
David Chandler:
Let’s say someone starts feeling guilty and asks for help. What do we do in that situation? Have you felt this yourself? What helped you move past it?
Christina Chartrand:
Yes, I absolutely felt guilt. When my husband and I moved to Florida nine years ago, I felt a lot of guilt. I knew it was the right thing for us and our family, and I wanted my mom to come, but she didn’t want to. I had to respect her decision. But I did feel guilty, and probably still do a little.
There are things I’ve put in place. I check in regularly. I send her things just because. We have a caregiver come in twice a week—that brings huge peace of mind.
Last time I was with her, about three or four weeks ago, I told her how I felt. I told her I felt guilty. And she said, “Oh my gosh, do not feel that way.” It was a good conversation.
You’re still a daughter or son. Tell them how you feel. Don’t feel like you’ve got to fully reverse roles and be in charge of everything. Ask them how they feel. Be respectful of how long they've lived, their choices, and what they want. My mom and I do better when I'm a daughter—not a caregiver. I try to focus on quality time and just being her daughter.
David Chandler:
What about families where that wedge has already been driven? Have you seen siblings come back from that?
Christina Chartrand:
Sometimes they do. Sometimes they don’t. Family dynamics can be tricky. Sometimes there was always a slight wedge anyway. But a lot of times, it’s not just about caregiving—it’s about finances. And when money gets involved, things can get tough.
The person stepping up often needs to do what they have to do. If you’re committed to giving your parent the best quality of life, sometimes you have to put the sibling relationship aside for now and focus on your parent. Later, you might circle back—and sometimes your sibling will become more appreciative.
David Chandler:
This is a deep one. I remember in one of our training sessions at Senior Helpers, we were talking about caregiver support. I asked the group, “Who has felt that burden of care?” One woman shared that her father-in-law needed full-time care, so she sold her house, quit her job, and moved in with him for two years. She lost her social connections and income. She couldn’t even leave for the grocery store because she was afraid he might fall while she was gone. Her whole life revolved around caregiving.
So for that caregiver who’s barely holding it together and maybe doing it all alone—any advice?
Christina Chartrand:
That’s such a stressful place to be. We say it takes a village to raise children, but the same goes for caring for aging parents. We need to reach out for support.
It doesn’t always have to be a family member. Reach out to the Department of Aging, respite programs, or other community resources. If you’re not taking care of yourself, you can’t help someone else.
I remember how much effort my mom put into caring for my grandmother. She’ll say to me, “I know this is a lot—I remember doing it.” So maybe I’m lucky she sees what I’m doing. But she didn’t have resources. Now we do. Lean on your church or community. If you're not taking care of you, you’re no good to the person you’re caring for.
David Chandler:
Such great advice. I love that. Christina, do you have any parting thoughts as we wrap up?
Christina Chartrand:
I probably don’t say this to my mom enough—and she’d probably say it doesn’t matter—but it’s my pleasure to do this for someone who has done so much for me. Where I am today is because of her. So being able to give back and help her—it’s everything.
David Chandler:
Well, thank you so much, Christina. This was a really fun episode. We’re so glad and appreciative to our listeners. We hope you found some great advice in this.
On our next episode, we’re going to be talking about senior discounts—memberships, travel, leisure, groceries, dining out. We’ll share ways to save money and enjoy life. Can’t wait to share.
Christina Chartrand:
Absolutely. I can’t wait to hear about all of them.
